If aliens were to exist and they were to look at me, they would be very confused at the peculiar being that I can be sometimes.
You have such a simple and plain demeanour, you look sensible and incapable of emotion, yet you are actually crazy. How can such weirdness exist encapsulated in a tough shell of indifference?
I have very weird questions and statements that I do develop in my mind. Some I speak and ask out of pure curiosity, others I keep to myself for fear of being ridiculed or being met with silence.
Here are just a few of them, and who I would be directing them at:
1. “Are you ever gonna demand lobola (lobola is ‘dowry’) for all (four daughters!) of us?” – to my dad
2. “Do you like Zimbabweans?” – to my mum. Since I’m dating one, this one burns in my mind.
3. “I don’t think the Illuminati exists in the music industry and you’re all gullible for believing that it does.” – to the relatives who think the Satanic powers of Illuminati stretch into most of hip hop and pop music.
4. “Do you think that pop music today is Satanic?” – to my mother. Don’t wanna ever ask her that because I’m afraid the answer might break my heart.
5. “I wish we never shared the same shoe size.” – to my mother. My mum and I are both size 6, and its annoying because she sometimes repos some of my shoes when she thinks I’m not wearing them. Worse, I’m sometimes tempted to take some of her shoes…
6. “Can’t stand hip hop, it’s so misogynistic and homophobic! Blegh! Lil’ Wayne is just a little gremlin, why do girls like him?” – to my boyfriend. Think he’d dump me on the spot or say “think we need space…”.
7. “You are so lazy.” – to my dad. I’d be told to pack everything that I ever bought with my own money, and go to Venda. “Oh you don’t like what I’m doing? Go stay with your grandparents and I’ll cancel your Wits application!”
8. “I don’t really think we’re gonna be together forever. Hell, I’ll be surprised if we’re still an item by the end of this year.” – to my boyfriend. He’d be so devastated – my realistic-ness has been mistaken for aloofness.
9. “Do you really really really…like I’m serious, really love me?” – to my boyfriend. Sometimes I just need to be damn sure. But I know he does.
10. “I love you.” – to my parents. I can’t just say this casually, as they (by they, I mean my mum) would probably respond, saying “Hmm, what do you want?” Or just give me an odd look.
If anything, I don’t like being given odd looks…
11. “What if I don’t really care about making money in my career, and all I want to do is study and do something I’m really passionate about?” – to my parents. By asking such a question, I’d be inciting ‘african parent rage’ within my mum’s heart.
12. “Learn to spell, dagnabbit! And learn how to look up definitions!”
13. “Don’t be stupid!”
14. “So which celebrity do you think is sexy?” to my mother. It just wouldn’t be right. My mum doesn’t roll that way…
15. “I think my homeland’s a bit backwards…”
This would not really be aimed at anyone, but if uttered in close proximity of one of my parents, I would be accused of being ‘European’ and be lauded as some trust fund baby wannabe.
16. “Why must we have so much stuff? Can’t we sell any of these things?” – to my dad. To which he’d respond, “Ah. Why?” To which my mum would respond, “Excuse me, do you earn the salary in this household?” Case closed.
17. “Yes, I’m going out looking like this. This is my individual style, just leave it.” – to my mother.
18. “Yes, I’m packing these specific clothes for our trip. I’ve planned the outfits and think they would look good wherever I’m going.” – to my mother.
19. “Can we please buy yoghurt and some other fruits we’ve not tried before? I promise they will not go to waste!” – to my mother. No use in trying, at this moment, the Supercala-frugalistic light is on in my mum’s brain for the rest of this year.
20. “So I’m thinking of going to Harare next year and see my boyfriend’s family…that’s cool, right?” – to my parents. They would make sure whoever’s looking over me here in SA after my family takes off to Paris will not let that happen.
Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry.