What The WhatsApp Emoticons Really Mean…

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Or at least what I’d like them to mean, because it would really make chatting more fun than it already is.

I do believe when WhatsApp first made itself known to the world, no one really thought it would amount to much. Besides at this time, most people had a BlackBerry and that came with BBM, so why would we need WhatsApp because most of the people we knew had a BlackBerry. Well, the game has changed. We need WhatsApp because not everyone has the same phone anymore. BlackBerry had accidentally phased itself out due to that server breakdown in 2011 which hurt consumers’ trust in the smartphone brand. Even I gave up BB and followed the somewhat glimmering golden Samsung road. So far, I’m pleased with my phone and I’m glad I managed to go at least five months without losing or breaking it which is very easy to do, considering it’s a big phone (not as big as the Note 3 though) and it’s super thin.

Anyway, back to WhatsApp. This app is very odd. Not odd in any special way except that it has a LOT of emoticons. Too many to count. Like 300 too many. To the point that sometimes when you’re just having a normal chat with someone, you feel like you’re neglecting some of the emoticons. Or you’ll even find creative ways to fit in the underused and never-used ones. There’s only so many times you can put in the crying smiling face to show just how caught up in laughter you are… sometimes you also need to add the emoticon of the cat pulling the exact same face. To change it up a little bit.

Now exactly why would the developers of this app gives us reckless humans so many emoticons to use? Are we becoming slaves to technology that we have given emoticons a life beyond the one they’re meant for? Honestly no.

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The Anatomy of The Troll

5881861191_90de8b5bc9Trolls. Trolls of this modern age are a nasty piece of work. When one comes into a member of this species, one may lose their mind trying to figure what type of mutated DNA spawned these. But the truth is, the same DNA that made them also gave way for human beings with more heart and dignity. So… what the hell is wrong with these people?

I will conduct an informal evaluation of the anatomy of the internet troll, highlighting the key components/organs which contribute to the troll’s unnecessary function to bitch, heckle and whine. I wish there were a more specific identification of the troll, but it comes in different sizes, weights, genders and races so it would be erroneous to generalise. Please note: this is not an attempt at assisting you in spotting trolls, but this is literature aimed at informing the reader about what makes them.

The thing about trolls which can make an reasonable person grow gray hairs out of frustration is that they are not easily distinguishable from your ordinary (or not) cashier at your supermarket, or that cool brunette who lives three floors up from you. A troll can be anyone — even your loved one. You may not even know that you had once shook hands or exchanged friendly banter with one. Trolls only reveal their true, ugly side when they come across a computer with *gasp* Internet access…

I’m sure the trolls of old Norwegian folklore were more benevolent than these salty haters. Anyway, let’s commence with the analysis.

Brain:

  • Every spongy, mushy part of the brain matter is laced with thoughts and intelligence (by intelligence, I mean information – not cleverness) on the countless ways the troll can use its keyboard prowess to ruin the moods of total strangers, with only a few choice words.
  • A normal, sensible and compassionate person has gray and pink matter that comprise the brain. The troll’s brain is just completely gray, gray out of the misery stewing in its bones.
  • Not only does the roll utilise its brain for firing electronic insults, but to conjure up bland remarks of defense to anyone who may call it out on its insolence. Such remarks as “Jeez, can’t you people take a joke?”, “You’re the one attacking me, I have my right to free speech!” and the ever immature “Wasn’t talking to you bitch!”.
  • The brain is a very powerful tool, and at the hands (or in the skull) of a troll, it will surely bring our world as we know it to a miserable end.

Eyes:

  • Not many people have met the trolls they’ve had unfortunate comment thread encounters with, in person. But if one were to gaze into the eyes of the troll, they would see nothing. The iris is almost black but the glare of those eyes is sharp and alert, from many hours of staring at a super bright computer screen.
  • The eyebrows are constantly furrowed as if the troll is in deep eternal though, or they may be curved to resemble a sarcastic expression
  • The eyes serve a purpose of seeking out any sensitive information or new regarding any of the hot topics: beauty, race, feminism, sexism and religion. The eyes are skilled in being able to detect a comments thread full of emotional forum members reacting to something like an adorable Down’s Syndrome baby, for example.

Mouth:

  • When in the virtual Internet presence of compassionate folks, the mouth of a troll starts to water in excitement and anticipation of the mayhem of angry responses it will trigger.
  • The mouth of the troll may even be used to rehearse the awful words of vitriol before it fires them off into the interwebs.

Stomach:

  • The stomach of the troll is in very poor condition as a result of this being’s poor diet. You see, because it spends most of its time prowling the Internet looking for feelings to destroy, it is highly doubtful the troll has time left to prepare proper meals, like other human beings.
  • I could be wrong. This is all just speculation.

Digestive tract:

  • The poor state of the stomach may even extend itself into the troll’s digestive tract. If one were to be cut open, do not be surprised if you find a lot of abscesses (rotting holes in the wall of the large intestine)

Hands (fingers):

  • The skin on the hands is very rough and neglected due to their prolonged use at the keyboard, and perhaps a lack of exposure to sunlight (because the troll prefers the safe confines of its dungeon for trolling activity).
  • The tips of its fingers have unsightly callouses, attributable to someone who taps keystrokes too much. Due to the friction of this, one must not be surprised if parts of the troll’s fingerprints are burned off.

Heart:

  • A heart?? One finds it hard to believe the troll possesses a heart.
  • And if such a heart exists, then it must be very small, and doesn’t beat as fast as a normal human being’s.

Lungs:

  • Don’t get much oxygen. Not much oxygen is passing through them to parts of the body (especially the brain), so it would make sense that thinking properly would be very hard.

That is all I can tell you folks. Stay safe out there in the wild, wild Web.

Hypothesis: The Purpose Of The Cockshot Is To Test Boundaries

Originally posted on :

I told my niece one time, and I stole it from I don’t remember where, “if a guy offers to buy you a drink and you say no, and he pesters you until you say okay, what he wants for his money is to find out if you can be talked out of no.” 

I don’t get pictures of strangers’ genitals in my inbox, but lots of women I know do.  It’s common in some dating sites and apps, and the ubiquity of the cockshot on Fetlife spawns its own breeds and strains of jokes.  And the joke is that they are famously NOT HOT.  I’m not talking about people trading pictures when they know each other, or are in the process of getting to know each other.  I’m talking about the unsolicited stranger cockshot.  If it is so famously not going to arouse the recipient (I know zero women who…

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I missed you…

I honestly did. Pwomise…

But I had my life to deal in the past 10 months so I had to take a step back. It’s been too long that I was away. But hey, I’m back now and I will try to stay this time. I promise…

I can’t exactly say why I was absent but it is nothing to be worried about. I just hope the time will come when I’ll be able to share it with you. Unfortunately, there won’t be any posts today about anything because assignments are a bitch and failure is not an option in these academic streets. But next weekend, I will come with something new.

 

Love,

Tshilidzi Makatu

Gay people “will bring on the bloody apocalypse” says Silvester

Chizzy:

This gave a me good laugh. I needed that.

Originally posted on Well Strike Me Down With a Ham Sandwich:

UKIP councillor David Silvester has accused the Prime Minister of causing the storms and floods during the early weeks of the New Year, saying that by making the decision to legalise gay marriage, Cameron had acted “arrogantly against the Gospel”.

Silvester condemns the PM’s decision to legalise gay marriage because the act goes against the Leviticus passage in the Bible which states, “thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind”. Silvester claims that no man can digress from God’s law or disobey divine decree without reaping the worst of consequences and it now seems as though Britain is paying the price for Cameron’s bold move in the form of torrential rain and gale-force winds.

Across the country people are reporting bad weather as a result of the acts of gay people, strengthening Silvester’s allegation. In Devon a middle-aged woman reported that the heavens opened and large hailstones rained down…

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The Standard Hotels, DuJour Media, and Violence Against Women

Chizzy:

I really just don’t understand what that picture means. I’d have a better chance successfully writing a dissertation about quantum physics or something than try to understand what the idea is behind this picture.

Originally posted on Make Me a Sammich:

Trigger warning: violence against women.

TL;DR: Sign the petition.

UPDATE 8/29: Refocusing on DuJour

moore24f-1-webI have rewritten the petition letter to focus on DuJour, but have left The Standard as a recipient for now. This campaign is still getting press, and if the petition takes off,  would hate like hell for them to miss out on all the fun.

Please continue to share the petition and contact your media peeps.

Thank you for all your help and support!

UPDATE 8/28: On Fauxpologies and Small Victories

standard-downtown-los-angeles-logoIn activism, we have to choose our battles often accept small victories when we’d rather announce that we got everything we wanted the way we’d like to. In the case of The Standard, I’m pretty sure we’ve heard all we’re going to from them unless we step this campaign up in a major way. (DuJour has not responded yet; more on that in a bit.)

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Names, names, names…

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Seems to be a lot of young people named Taylor *crosses name off the list*

Sometimes people just don’t get me… or they don’t understand why the things in my life are the way they are. Or why I like/do certain things. So most of the time, I have to explain myself to people (because people — simple, simple people — expect everything in the world to be just linear. Especially when it comes to names. White people (especially in South Africa), stand up. You are guilty of this a lot. You butcher the most simple African names, put non-existent accents on the vowels, try your hand at messing up how the consonants are pronounced. And one thing a friend of mine pointed out, you LOVE to put smooth r’s where they don’t even belong. For example, my surname “Makatu” falls victim to your English ways: mah-kah-tuu becomes mar-car-too.

I’ve met a lot of people with very interesting names and have (I have!) wondered why they were given those names. Nobody can give their child a name just because “ooh it sounds so nice and unique!”. Unfortunately, there are those that do, names that may have no meaning at all or have a meaning that isn’t so positive. On the other hand, there are people who give their children names that are just downright EMBARRASSING. Naming your son Humphrey in this day can cause some problems, and don’t be surprised when your son doesn’t become Homecoming King.

I believe in bestowing names upon children that has positive meanings and “just seem right” so that the kids can go out and be the kind of people that their names stand for. Or giving your baby girl or boy a name that describes how you feel having him/her in your life. I’m yet to have a baby, but I have a reserve of names (for both sexes) that I can look to when the time comes.

I’ll be talking about the issues that come up when I introduce myself to a stranger and they ask me what my real name is because “Chilli” is not realistic. Also, I delve into the small tidbits about the names of my family members, and the way me and my sisters have had to appease our multi-cultural classmates and acquaintances all the while never losing meaning of our names. Continue reading